Valentine's Day.

Valentine's day was....alot of things. I spend most of the day by myself because Caleb working, I hung out with a good friend instead and we had girl time. All of that was fun and totally fine. Caleb talked his way out of working until midnight and came home at 8, expecting to have a wonderful night with me and I was...awful. I got into this mood and was so mean all night. Caleb finally forced me to talk to him when we got into bed and I cried for a good hour probably. I was so embarrassed I wanted to hide in the back of my closet in the dark. I'm not going to say what we talked about specifically because, well that's just private. But I will say a few things on the matter. I wasn't 100% to blame for everything that happened, 98% is a little more correct. The problem is I EXPECT to be let down, I always have but it's getting to the point where I don't notice but I am doing everything I can to make sure I'm right. I push and shut down until I can't be touched or hurt. But I am, just by myself instead of Caleb. I didn't realize until last night that I've been doing this, I just knew I was unhappy sometimes and couldn't figure out why. Caleb told me that it seemed like "I don't want to be happy". Which isn't totally true but it also isn't wrong. I want to be safe and I don't want to be disappointed. But instead of making sure I'm happy and things go well for us, I make sure they go all wrong so I'm "not let down". It's all such backwards logic and I highly doubt it makes any sense to anyone but me. I don't know where to go from here though. Today all of the things I know have started to get blurred and I can't seem to get them to be clear. I wish I could take back yesterday. Why is it that there has to be some big "breakdown" or "break through" in order to finally see things? Next time I'm requesting a note.

10 months.

So close to a year. I've already started planning his first birthday too! I think its going to be a "Blocks and Primary Colors" themed party. I don't need to make any of it kid friendly because Shiloh doesn't have any baby friends, so it will basically be just my friends. I wanted to do a Star Wars themed party but Shiloh isn't big enough to get it. It's a start.

Project 31, Day 2 and 3

I haven't really gotten a "real" weekend yet which sucks because its already sunday. Caleb has been building a house all weekend, which means I'm at home with Shiloh with no car. And no sleep-in day! Oh the horror! He did try to make it up to me last night, we had a "family date". Whoo Chili's...its one of the 3 "real" restaurants in this town, fast food doesn't count. Yesterday I tried to take Shiloh to the park...he can't walk yet. So it did seem like a silly idea, but he does love the swings. He fell asleep in the car on the way there so I just went to Starbucks on post with a friend. There really is only so much you can do with a 9 month old baby before you get so bored. Luckily, I have the wonderful thing called PBS! Lol. But really, its the only way I get a small break during the day. Since I forgot to post yesterdays project 31 I will just do both days today. (:

Day 2.  What makes you uniquely you?

If you have ever used a manual camera you know that you can slowly turn the lens to change the focus. I forgot for a while but recently was reminded that I've always done that with my vision. I have memories of sitting in the swimming pool and staring at the grass focusing on the blades in the front and then changing to see the grass behind them. I just have always had this habit of seeing the world in "layers".
 

Day 3.  Who is someone you know who inspires beauty?

I have tried to write this three times now, and each time is just...sucks. I'm not good with words. Things get stuck in my head and when they come out its a weird jumble of crap that doesn't really make sense. So in stead of rambling on and on and sounding like an idiot, I will keep this short. Very short. My sisters, Allie, Raeann and Elise (actual, sister-in-law, and friend) inspire beauty not only to me but to everyone around them because they aren't afraid to be themselves. They let their "freak flag fly" and I love them for it.

 Raeann, Allie, me and Shiloh

 Allie and Raeann

Elise and Shiloh