Wednesday, July 7, 2010

3 month old toes.

Shiloh found his feet. I was so excited for him! I'm sure he was pretty pleased with himself too! At about 9pm he was just chilling in his bouncey chair playing with his feet and I commented on how I didn't think it would be too long before he found out he can suck on his toes. Then not even 5 minutes later Danny(caleb's dad) was like "hey he's got his foot in his mouth!". Crazy! He is so big now and playful! Super playful! He can finally keep himself entertained with his little toys...and his hands and feet. He learned how to ball up today, so when he is on his back his tucks his knees and feet up as far as he can get them. As great as all of this is, it also makes me sad. Because Caleb isn't here to be excited with me. I know he will be back before Shiloh is walking and talking...he may even get home before he can crawl but it still makes me sad that he is missing out on all the little things. Shiloh makes so many of my faces but what about Caleb? I know he makes the cutest little pouty lip that looks just like Caleb, but now when he makes the pouty lip he makes my sad face, he pulls his eye brows together and up and makes hugeee sad puppy eyes. It's totally my face. Yeah, I guess it's not that big of a deal but to me it is. Caleb is going to come back from Iraq and Shiloh won't really know him. He might recognize his voice from occationally chatting over skype. But he won't know him and that makes me so sad. I don't always appreciate the time I spend with Shiloh, plently of days I want nothing more than to not have to deal with him. I'm sometimes jealous of caleb's distance....which is terrible. I know, but I am. There are moments when I imagine what this year would have looked like without being pregnant and now being a mom and I wish it was that baby. Just doing what I want when I want too. But that's so silly right? For one, Shiloh makes up for the bad days and moments times at least three with his adorable cuteness. And I can already tell how much he loves me just by the way he looks at me and that feeling is something that I would never give up. I don't want a life without him, I wouldn't be the person I am now without Shiloh. Second thing, I can't even imagine how hard it is for Caleb. He only knows his little boy through what I tell him and what he see in pictures and skype. I know Caleb wants to be with us here and so me being jealous of him is silly and horrible at the same time. Caleb would gladly take all the "baby duty" if it ment he would be with us. I guess I never really bothered to think too much about how Caleb must really feel about all of this. He doesn't talk about it all, so anything I have I say is all speculation. But I'd like to think I know he wel enough to guess his feelings. Hopefully. If I were to guess, I would say that not being home is one of the worst and saddest things in caleb's life, I'm sure being away from me is hard but being away from Shiloh is probably 10 tomes worse. I won't change too much, I will know who Caleb is when he gets home, Caleb already knows all of my silly quirks...but Shiloh is learning all of this stuff now and will have my things when caleb comes back. He might not open up to Caleb, who knows. It very doubtful, seeing as he will be 7 months old....but still it could happen. The thing is I do know Caleb enough to know that he isn't worried about all of that. It's just me. I overly worry for everyone. I over analize things too. Caleb doesn't care if Shiloh just makes all of my goofy faces when he comes home....he will probably think it's cute. He will also tell me I need to stop worrying about things that in the end won't matter. So for now, I'm going to take that hypothetical advice and stop worrying. I'm going to kiss my little guy, pray for both of my boys and go to sleep.

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