The fabulous life of a "not-so military" military wife.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Valentine's day was....alot of things. I spend most of the day by myself because Caleb working, I hung out with a good friend instead and we had girl time. All of that was fun and totally fine. Caleb talked his way out of working until midnight and came home at 8, expecting to have a wonderful night with me and I was...awful. I got into this mood and was so mean all night. Caleb finally forced me to talk to him when we got into bed and I cried for a good hour probably. I was so embarrassed I wanted to hide in the back of my closet in the dark. I'm not going to say what we talked about specifically because, well that's just private. But I will say a few things on the matter. I wasn't 100% to blame for everything that happened, 98% is a little more correct. The problem is I EXPECT to be let down, I always have but it's getting to the point where I don't notice but I am doing everything I can to make sure I'm right. I push and shut down until I can't be touched or hurt. But I am, just by myself instead of Caleb. I didn't realize until last night that I've been doing this, I just knew I was unhappy sometimes and couldn't figure out why. Caleb told me that it seemed like "I don't want to be happy". Which isn't totally true but it also isn't wrong. I want to be safe and I don't want to be disappointed. But instead of making sure I'm happy and things go well for us, I make sure they go all wrong so I'm "not let down". It's all such backwards logic and I highly doubt it makes any sense to anyone but me. I don't know where to go from here though. Today all of the things I know have started to get blurred and I can't seem to get them to be clear. I wish I could take back yesterday. Why is it that there has to be some big "breakdown" or "break through" in order to finally see things? Next time I'm requesting a note.