Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's day was....alot of things. I spend most of the day by myself because Caleb working, I hung out with a good friend instead and we had girl time. All of that was fun and totally fine. Caleb talked his way out of working until midnight and came home at 8, expecting to have a wonderful night with me and I was...awful. I got into this mood and was so mean all night. Caleb finally forced me to talk to him when we got into bed and I cried for a good hour probably. I was so embarrassed I wanted to hide in the back of my closet in the dark. I'm not going to say what we talked about specifically because, well that's just private. But I will say a few things on the matter. I wasn't 100% to blame for everything that happened, 98% is a little more correct. The problem is I EXPECT to be let down, I always have but it's getting to the point where I don't notice but I am doing everything I can to make sure I'm right. I push and shut down until I can't be touched or hurt. But I am, just by myself instead of Caleb. I didn't realize until last night that I've been doing this, I just knew I was unhappy sometimes and couldn't figure out why. Caleb told me that it seemed like "I don't want to be happy". Which isn't totally true but it also isn't wrong. I want to be safe and I don't want to be disappointed. But instead of making sure I'm happy and things go well for us, I make sure they go all wrong so I'm "not let down". It's all such backwards logic and I highly doubt it makes any sense to anyone but me. I don't know where to go from here though. Today all of the things I know have started to get blurred and I can't seem to get them to be clear. I wish I could take back yesterday. Why is it that there has to be some big "breakdown" or "break through" in order to finally see things? Next time I'm requesting a note.


Tammie said...

dear callie cakes... :-) May I say a few words as a sister in Jesus...?? Dear sweet girl, the enemy wants to steal all joy from us - and he works really well with a seed of untruth in our heart/head... and God's Word tells us we have Divine Power to take Down ANY Thought, idea, notion that rises up again God's Truth... and He is Truth... So... Hold up those Powerful Weapons... and tell the enemy, and that thought to go to... you know where. He is Your Defender. You are His Precious One. He Loves you. Hang in there girl... Thanks for sharing... love you, Tammie

rachel.lyn said...

i 100% agree with the comment above! well said.

i have been married for going on 7 years this year and one thing i have learned is that it never stops being a learning process. your marriage will never be picture perfect, because we aren't picture perfect, but it's those moments and conversations that force you to grow as a couple. keep God as number one. pray together, cling to each other, know that He has such awesome plans for your family and rest in that peace of mind.

He is made strong in our weaknesses so don't be afraid of the tough times.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9